Thank You

          I would like to thank everyone for taking the time to read my very own verbal spewings. I really do appreciate you taking time from your busy day to consider my insignificant observations.

          After all it is only one opinion within a vast sea of opinionated stupidity that this world has become. Just look at the Kardashians for Christ sake. What the fuck have they done for the world? Sorry, I will never speak of them again. I promise.

          As I was saying, I would like to not just thank you all, but offer an opportunity to chime in on this blog. I have opened the comments section so that you can post as anonymous if you feel so inclined.

          I would very much like that you did so…please

          All that I ask is that you post 2 things in the comment section please.

          1: First name only

          2: Country you live in

          This means nothing to anyone but me. I would just like people who read my blog that would not normally chime in with a comment. I would very much like to hear from you and know where you are.

          Thank you for being there for me.

Pets

As you well know already, and even if you don’t, I have a dog. I have posted about him previously. Unlike most dog owners I do not talk baby talk to my dog, never have, and never will. And if you do, please stop. You sound like an idiot and I’m sure that your dog thinks so as well. What you need to realize is the fact that your dog is not a dumb animal. Get that through your head right away and your relationship with them will blossom exponentially.

Like your children, your dog is a product of its upbringing. If your children are stupid idiots that pee on the carpet then that’s your fault for not teaching them better. It’s not society’s issue. Why would you unleash an unprepared individual upon the world without proper training to run amok and let others endure your lack of commitment? You see where this dog metaphor is going right?

          Like I stated earlier, people, just like animals, are a product of their upbringing plain and simple. Yes all animals, including humans have a varied array of ingrained instincts. Yet humans as a species seem to retain the least of these so called ingrained instincts.  Dogs do just fine. It seems to me that it’s the weaker minded people who can’t handle the fact that the dog needs to indulge in these said instincts. Like running in the woods from time to time.

Hint: Your dog needs to get out and run every so often whether you feel like it or not. Just like your child needs to get to soccer, hockey, football, or whatever practice or game, your dog needs to run. Plain and simple. So pry your fat ass off of the couch, put down the cheesies and take your dog out for a run. Lord knows you could use the exercise as well.

Admitting that your dog is smarter than you is a huge step. Mine is. He’s a remarkably intelligent being. It’s not a giant leap in the evolutionary chart by any means so you shouldn’t feel threatened in any way whatsoever. There is always going to be something out there that’s smarter than you. Let it go. It’s not your dog’s fault for being smart. It certainly isn’t yours either so just consider it a blessing that you have a smart dog.  

Blame your parents for all of this crap. Just as you feel that you raised a stupid dog, blame them for the same reason that they raised a stupid person who should never own a dog. Your parents taught you how to cope with life, now you, in turn, pass these lessons on to your pets, and children. If you don’t have the patience for something like a dog why do you feel that you would be good with children?

I love to brag about my dog, as all good dog owners do. My dog is special to me, no-one else. Its’ not that he’s better than your dog, or calmer than your dog, or friendlier than your dog, or more playful than your dog. Let me correct myself here. I do have to say that my dog is friendlier than just about every other dog out there. It seems to be his mission in life to say hello and play with every other, not just dog, but rabbit, cat, goose, duck, cow, snake, mouse, goat, human, and crow that he encounters. And not in that order.

I am by no means an expert dog trainer, nor do I attempt in any way to proclaim dog training superiority in any way whatsoever. It’s just that I have owned a number of dogs over the course of my, what seems to be, rather long existence, that I reflect on this experience. There seems to be too many inpatient people these days with regards to animal ownership. Pets need to be regarded differently. They are not toys but members of the family. Treat them as such. And if you find yourself incapable, By all means possible, refrain from procreation.  

Save the world in your own weird way.

 Please.

Giving

Such a response to the last entry that I thought maybe I should put another out there for you all eh? (Canadian thing eh!) My friends get it.

I received a phone call from my wife the other day, which is not unusual in itself, but the subject of this one was. It wasn’t the standard “how are things? What are you guys up to?” kind of conversation. And buy “guys” she means myself and our dog. I spend a lot of time with our dog. More than most people including my wife come to think about it. Not intentionally from her but intentionally from most people. Good thing she doesn’t read my blog lol. Just in case…love you sweetheart.

She began telling me of a co-worker who’s mother-in-law had suffered a stroke recently (wow that’s a lot of hyphens in a row) and was wondering if we could help out. My wife being the person she is, that I would never change in any way whatsoever by the way, agreed to help immediately without getting any further information. Oh yeah, just like that. Whatever was needed we would surely do our best to provide or at the very least help with. You notice that “her” response was “we” right? That includes me by proxy. Which mostly I don’t mind. But in this case I felt privileged to be included. That’s the perspective potion of our program this evening. Thank God she’s not a vegetarian.

As it turns out my wife’s co-workers mother-in law loves dogs (that sounds so unintentionally hillbilly). And as it turns out, we have a wonderful dog. Go figure. Hence the reason for the phone call.

I failed to mention that the aforementioned person of topic resides in an assisted care facility. A rather sweet elder woman from a long forgotten era where the simplest of things can bring the greatest enjoyment to an open mind.

Remember the part about us having a dog? As it turns out, what she wanted to experience was to be able to watch a truly happy dog playing in the park that she could view out of the third floor vantage point that she frequented. My wife’s co-worker, having met our dog on numerous occasions, considered us, or should I say, considered our dog right away.

The only question for me that remained was…when? “Of course” were the first two words out of my mouth. Considering the nature of the request this was one of those times where today, even, right now was not out of the question. I can play with my dog anywhere and pretty much do, but if it will bring joy to someone just to be able to watch that, count me in. I’m sure my dog would agree.

So we loaded up, so to speak, and ventured to the designated park slash vantage point. I brought all of the favorite toys too. Not just the ball to throw for him to fetch, noooo. I brought the ball flinger, the kick-fetch ball, the football, and the ever so popular and most exciting, which is always saved for last…the frisby. That’s right…we have a frisby dog. To be honest, he’s getting much better at it.

The point is that I don’t think I have seen such pleasure from a facial expression in a very long time. The simple act of playing with my dog within deliberate view of someone who truly enjoyed watching it blew me away. I feel very fortunate to have been able to do this. I told my wife to let them know if they ever wanted me to do it again, please do not hesitate. Actually, please do call again.

It was my pleasure and thank you for allowing me to do this.

Merry Christmas everyone.

O.M.G

Everyone at some point or time in their life has had a “Holy Shit” moment of one kind or another. Possibly many. I mean the kind of experience that truly is worthy of a “Holy Shit” and not just an afterthought. The type of experience when you unknowingly expel the words aloud. Not just a passing thought in your head kind of “holy shit” type of experience either. It’s so much of a shock and surprise that the “HOLY SHIT” words are blurted so quickly that you slap your palm across your mouth and nervously scan the proximity for offended earshot recipients and/or other like-minded mouth palm slappers. Your findings are your own. What happens in….yeah, yeah, stays in the blah blah blah, you know the rest.

Most of the time, but not always, it’s not the event that becomes so memorable but the people that you experience within said event that make it so.

Not to detract from the original occurrence, but to expand upon it. No matter how trained or untrained your eye may be, the original event is still the true” Holy Shit” here. After all it was the cause of the entire, for lack of a better word, scene, incident, blessing, necessity, horror, misfortune, success, fluke, or haphazard that caused it all to begin with. I’ll stop now before this gets out of hand. Feel free to add your own antonym, synonym, or even an expletive that you may deem fitting.

No really. Add your own. Do it. I dare you. Either post them in the comment section or voice them aloud for all within earshot to hear. Then try to explain to the earshot recipients why you are doing so using only one sentence, no matter how long it becomes. Then post that.

Getting back to the point, we’ve all had these kind of, whelming experiences that tend to cause us to react in an unexpected, involuntary, and reactionary fashion. They are a shock and surprise to say the least but are far from being over-whelming. See what I did there? Smooth right?

Well I had one of these kinds of things, phenomenon, circumstance, episodes, matters, goings-on, milestones, scenes happen to me lately. And if I didn’t spend so much time building up, explaining, clarifying, rendering, illustrating, explicating, manifesting, and resolving things I could have spent a bit more time actually telling you about it.

I will soon. I promise. I really did a “HOLY SHIT” out loud. Honest.

Hmmmm Too

 There are a ton of items I’m itching to tell you about at this very moment. Don’t worry, I’m not going to list them all in this entry. That would just be plain weird. I don’t have to point out to you that you can’t swing a dead cat without hitting something that makes you ponder any given situation.  

Now stop right there with the outrage. I’m not insinuating that you actually go out and swing a dead cat. It really is just an expression meant, in jest, to exclaim the closeness or proximity of said given situation. I, in no way condone the swinging of dead cats. I just don’t swing that way, anymore. The tails come off too easily anyhow. I have yet to have one last more than four full rotations before the tail comes off. I didn’t usually watch where the rest of the cat went, but I think I was just too surprised that there was a piece of fur left in my hand after so little effort. I’ve heard that they always land on their feet.

Tails can be saved, if you choose, like raccoon tails of old hanging from rear view mirrors. Now, swinging a dead raccoon is something that I’ve never tried. I would guess that the tails come off the same as they would from a dead cat, or at least within a close proximity or rotational count. You could actually do a “hmmmm” right here if you feel the need.

Let’s carry on shall we? I was listening to the radio while driving about town one day. Yup, that’s what it’s called, for those who didn’t know. It’s actually called “driving about town”, really. Just ask, they’ll tell you.

Anyhooo, I just happened to be in the right place at the right time to see this. Had I been one red light sooner or later, I would have missed it completely. And holy crap, I’m glad to have not missed this. Maybe glad is a bit extreme, but you decide and let me know. The scene goes as thus.

I was sitting in my truck at a red light waiting patiently, as I always do. Well, patiently might be a bit generous because I tend to fidget. So while fidgeting I observed one of those new micro vehicles, a Fiat I believe, puke green in colour, making a left hand turn through the intersection in front of me. He passed right through my line of vision, from right to left, on his way through his turn. I actually had the time to do a double take, so I did. Duh, you would too.

The driver was 350 pounds if he was an ounce. He looked as though he had been shoehorned into the tiny car on a dare. Luckily he had the window rolled down because he seemed to ooze over the door sill. It looked as if he had the door tucked under his armpit and was carrying the thing. This was no small man. If he did not have his arm bent in the traditional “cool look” pose, I swear that his knuckles would have been dragging on the ground. I think the whole left side of his head must have been catching a bunch of wind as well. Got the visual? Good.

Knowing all of the advantages and cost savings of having a fuel efficient vehicle with the unpredictable rise and, well, rise again price of gas these days, I pose this question.

Why would you make yourself that uncomfortable on purpose just to save a few bucks at the gas pump? Hmmmm.

And you thought this was going to be about cats right?

Hmmmmm!

          I’ve been going about my days in the usual manner lately and yet seem to be noticing an unusual number of thing that are not quite the norm, or seem to make me wonder just a little bit more about them. Even make me say hmm out loud every once in a while. So with that in mind I felt that it was necessary for me to not keep it to myself any longer. Share the inner torment so to speak. Are you thrilled or what? The anticipation is killing me. I wish I knew what I was about to write. Gawd… it sure would make this whole blog thing just a little bit easier let me tell you. Oh yeah, that’s the point isn’t it. Me telling you some stuff, right? So let’s get on with it shall we?

          Feel free to actually say “hmmm” out loud if you feel the need. And if I did this right, you will. But if you don’t, it won’t be as fun. You see, I've embedded a “thing” to the “stuff” at that “place” that's specifically for the audible enhancement of only those who vocally express their enthusiasm aloud for the included pleasure of all within earshot. No, really, it’s new. I came up with it and it totally works. Trust me. Just do it. So here we go. Try to keep up.

          You go to use the rest room of the local establishment you just happen to be visiting and everything seems normal. Even the décor of the water closet itself is rather fitting and not tacky in the slightest. So you carefully pick your stall. We all have our own routine of what we look for in a commode enclosure, so that plays out as it should. Close the door behind you and latch it. Always latch the door…duh.

  

          Assuming all is a go, no pun intended, this is where you unbuckle, unhitch, hike up, hoist, drop, slide down, shimmy, or just plain let fall to the floor, whatever clothing that may be encasing your very own personal escape at that time. You decide not to do the hover thing and go for the full cheek plant ordeal. You have already established that it was safe to do so from your initial assessment of the cubicle, so don't start with all this "eew...is it clean enough?" business. 

          Now this is where your brain starts to step on the gas pedal. You did not see anyone coming out of the wash room prior to your entrance, nor did you notice anyone go in before you. It was a clear solo shot all the way in. Yet...the seat is warm. 

          Hmmmm.....

Feel Good Stuff

          I’m feeling pretty good about things lately because of a number of different people, as well as events transpiring in my life within the past, not so little while.

         

          I’ve been on a gradual return to work program with my employer for the last couple of months that I’m rather grateful they have accepted. This schedule basically laid out my eventual and return to full duties as a productive member of the company. Not to mention the physiotherapy that I went through to be able to accomplish this at all. Thank you Justin, Katherine and, on occasion, Sebastian. Without your help this would never be possible. I am forever in your debt. As long as it doesn’t cost too much…or last longer than a week. These things need a limit and expiry date after all. Just kidding. I still need to bring you cookies.

          This may not sound like much, but after three months shy of two years of not being physically capable of doing very much of anything, the ability, or the coaching to regain that ability becomes paramount. I don’t think I could be more grateful.

          For those who have read the earlier posts, I feel no need to explain what I’m talking about. For those who don’t, Google it or read some of the earlier entries that are about pain and stuff that refer to the whole Cancer thing. Then again I may just write more about that stuff some other time. Ooooooh the suspense is killing me.

          So back to me!

Like I said, it has felt really good to be able to return to my active job as it was. And as I had mentioned, don’t make me keep repeating myself, that it’s been so long since I was capable, physically and mentally that I may elaborate on this at a later date but  let’s all just say that it feels really good to feel normal again. Oh my god it feels good. I can do the stuff once more that I used to.

          Not sure how to pull this off in literary, but I felt so good to be back in action, so to speak, that I felt a need to pay it forward…again…a few times actually. No, not all in the same day either, but, over the course of a couple of weeks. I said that I felt good, not foolish. That’s right folks, I went ahead and let some stranger that was doing their job, mundane or not, know that I was appreciative of what they did for me.

          There was this one security officer, and not the same one I wrote about before, that was always at his post or position to monitor the flow of personnel entering the facility. Not a bad gig unless it’s raining, or cold, like it was. So then you get a good look at the guy and realize he’s not a coffee drinker. Yup, you can tell this about a person from seeing them a few times. This one would prefer a hot chocolate instead. As it turned out it was his favorite. Mission accomplished.

          Next was a young couple hitchhiking. They had a cardboard sign that proclaimed their intention yet they looked hungry…and broke. Believe me I know what broke looks like. I was a hitchhiker once upon a time also. Through the Everglades on one trek. But I digress. They had taken refuge or respite under a tree near a local food establishment. A sandwich, soup and drink combo seemed to be just what they each needed as they expressed their extreme gratitude for it.

          Thirdly was a gentleman I encountered while working. I happened to be within a close proximity while he was counting his change to see if he actually had the proper amount of money for the coffee he was about to order. This was a situation in need. Before he was able to finish counting, I had presented sufficient funds to cover it. I had a gift card for the place anyway. I always have a loaded gift card for this place, but that’s another story. He was overly grateful and exclaimed that nobody had ever done that for him before. My answer? High time somebody did.

          I tell you these encounters not for personal recognition in any way whatsoever. If I were looking for any kind of “atta boy”, I would’ve filmed it and posted it on FaceTube or YouBook or something.

          I write about this stuff in hope that others may begin to acknowledge the fact that others may just need the slightest effort from someone, anyone throughout there day, to brighten it ever so much.

We’re Doomed, Apparently

          I have been struggling lately over whether my last remaining shoestring of hope for humanity is all in vain. Are we all doomed to inevitably go swirling clockwise, counter-clockwise in Australia, down the commode of gradual degradation as a race? Are we seriously going to allow ourselves to be lowered by an unmentionable amount of rungs on the evolutionary scale by popularizing stupid people? Are there really that many more idiots out there in this day and age? I sincerely want to know where we stand.

          My rapidly fading belief is based purely on a demographic principle which is easily orated through an example that I heard a number of years ago and stuck with me, and goes like this. “The bigger the village, the more idiots there are to keep an eye on”. True enough yet I feel I should expand on that just a little as my own perception has been forced to do so by, well…idiots.

          Picture yourself in a large room with ten people. One of them is a fucking idiot. They’re rather easy to point out in such a small group of people. It’s always good in these types of scenarios to have a friend you can elbow inconspicuously and say “Do you see that fucking idiot?” Like the old joke says, if you can’t spot the idiot in the room then it must be you. Let’s expand on this as well. Unless…you are truly an idiot, there just may be a bigger one in the room. But let’s get back on topic shall we?

          We’ll stick with a ten percent factor for no other reason than the math is easier and put one hundred people in the same room. This is where perception would indicate that there are more stupid people present. That would be correct. As they go about bumping into walls all the while loudly expressing thing similar too…”Dude, that was so not photo shopped”, “Like, really, it’s true. I heard it from a friend of a friend of mine” and “I speak fluent American”, it would appear they are everywhere and you are being overtaken. But the percentage is the same, so demographically there are the same amount of morons being pointed at by others elbowing there buddies. You can breathe easy, from this fictional example at least.

          More and more I seem to be crossing paths with an ever increasing number of Darwin award candidates. All to the point that I am now questioning my aforementioned, true to life philosophy on the number of village idiots. I have painfully and sadly come to the conclusion that I may be wrong. There very well may be a rapidly growing population of stupid people wandering the streets unsupervised. And that is a very scary thought.

          The new questions to which answers still elude me are thus. Are these shitheads truly that moronic in their thought process? Are they just dumb enough to think that the rest of us are the dupes that will fall for the half baked fool proof ideas they follow through with?

          An example of this is taken right from local news broadcasts regarding a multiple robbery suspect. Now don’t send me complaints about getting the facts wrong because I’m relying on memory for this one. For all you know I’m an idiot.

          The suspect entered a food establishment situated in the center and street front area of a local mall then presented a knife with the usual demands of money. To make a long story short, he was given the cash and went on his way. You would think that this was it but noooo. Upon exiting this location he then made his way east to the far end of the mall, promptly changed his t-shirt to one of a different colour and entered the grocery store where the same demands were made with a like result. Please don’t make me explain the reason for the shirt change. It should be evident to all non morons at this point.

          While feeling, what one could only assume as being “on a roll”, our Rhodes Scholar decided to continue to the far west end of said mall, once again changing his shirt, then managed to extort money from the local discount store as well. After exiting, he once again swapped out his garment for one of another colour. And this is where it gets even more interesting.

          Whether our master of disguise failed to consider the fact that the initial establishment would have phoned the police to deal with this instance and were on alert for a person at large, or take into account that enough time had passed that the local authorities were already on the scene of the first two locations is unclear. It’s not like the cops had to wait in the drive thru lane to gather evidence. Regardless, this genius felt confident enough in his new unseen colour of t-shirt to stroll casually across the mall parking lot in an almost direct intersecting path of the first robbery. Imagine his surprise when they pointed him out because they recognized his face. Because we all know that during a robbery everyone focuses directly on your shirt right?

I fear for our continued dominance of the food chain.

On an unrelated note and the opposite end of the spectrum, I feel the urge to share this with you. I have a friend with a University Degree in Communications. This is an intelligent individual to say the least. Yet in an attempt to catch up with me after couple of months of silence on both of our parts, I received a text which simply said:

“Sup?”

Gone To The Dogs

            

          I feel a need to make something very, very clear before I rip people a new one about this newest old topic brought about by assholes leaving their dogs in hot cars, and especially by the want -to-be famous (wanna-be’s) who do nothing but wander the depths of the internet aimlessly in search for an opportunity to inflict themselves upon an unsuspecting public.  Not so new of a topic but you would think that it had never happened before today. Did nobody ever have a dog before? (Notice that I didn’t say “owned”?) Are windows closing on cars an option now? Holy crap, when did this happen? Did the sun all of a sudden become hot in the summer?  You had not noticed due to the fact that the hermetically sealed home you live in has central air you say?

I’m speaking to everyone, but also would like to especially target all of the bandwagon jumpers, self-proclaimed protectors of humanity, uninformed idiots out there who want to look like a hero on Facebook  for about a minute and a half because they have nothing better to do than sit in front of their computer, wearing unwashed Sponge Bob pajama pants while lying in wait for an opportunity to chime in on the latest topic of the day, pretending to know exactly what they’re (not “there”) talking about without researching the slightest hint of detail regarding any topic. (I did that all in one breath too) This would include NOT reading the entire article or watching the full video regarding said topic. They seem to still feel the need to infect their tiny bubble of the internet with thoughtless drivel based on no significant fact whatsoever, other than what might be printed upon the snack bag they happen to have spilled crumbs in their own lap from. This shit is getting out of hand people and rendering humanity in an increasing danger of a lower score on the evolutionary scale. For those who don’t get it, this means your stupidity is bringing the class average down and makes us all look stupid, so knock it off.

So here is my clarification that I promised you earlier.  I have a dog, am a dog lover, a dog person, a dog rescuer. Fill in your own dog thing here. My dog is my buddy for life. That will never change. I would do anything for my buddy. He is more a part of my family than most members my family, yet I do not fall into the category of “Daddy”. Nor does my wife fall under “Mommy”. He is my friend to the end and we are equals. Even though I’m the alpha, he is my friend. He is my guy, my companion, my friend for life. We do just about everything together. We plan events around whether he can attend or not. I’m his guy too, willingly. I feel that I need to make this epically clear before I let any of you know exactly how much you people piss me off when you try to tell me what’s good or bad for my dog. That’s right, my dog. The one you have never met nor know anything about. He is not my surrogate child, he is my closest friend. And will always be prioritized in that way, aside from my wife that is.

We all know that these self-proclaimed experts are morons and have never read the entire article, done any research, or watched the full video all the way to the end before forming an opinion when all of a sudden some overwhelming need to broadcast that said opinion becomes so acute that they are incapable of supressing it from the equally uninformed and unsuspecting yet somehow sympathetic masses of Crackbook. Most of them don’t even own a dog, nor seem to project the air of any form of Rhodes Scholar on the topic of the day. And I do mean topic of the day. Guaranteed there will be an equally passionate opinion regarding something as insignificant as onion soup tomorrow if that is what’s “trending” at that time. These are the shitheads that piss me off.

Speaking of onion soup, I have perfected my recipe and will share it with you all in a future blog. It is absolutely fabulous. But I digress.

There are two stories that have recently received an enormous amount of unneeded attention lately that make me almost want to produce my own video rebuttal. I still may so remain prepared. Keep those seatbelts fastened and arms inside the car because it’s coming.

One gentleman had left his dog in his vehicle with the windows and doors shut for a period of time. If it was known how long, it certainly was not mentioned. People were more than up in arms. Someone even went as far as to post a notice for all ye concerned citizen to look out for this specific vehicle and dog owner. This person is evil, evil I tell you. The article goes on to say that this ruthless person was not confronted by anyone, including police, due to the fact that it had only been a total of a couple of minutes at most that the dog was left alone.

 Oh yeah, I forgot the best part. This main fact is what everyone seemed to ignore is the best part. The vehicle was left running with the air conditioner on so the dog would not be in any discomfort. So be on the lookout for this callas individual. We need to keep people like this off of the street, or at least prevent them from owning dogs. Who’s with me?

The second story was about a person who left his dog in his car while tending to something that seemed to take a bit longer than a few minutes. He had left his pet in his vehicle with the windows rolled down halfway. Also the detachable roof was removed and the dog was provided accessible fresh water if the need for it arose. The ambient temperature inside the vehicle was no more extreme that it would be if the dog was outside. This pet even had a shaded area to comfortably occupy itself. Yet someone without a life decided that they needed to be noticed for something, flagged down a police officer, because phone calls to police are recorded so why phone, right? It was the police officer that decided to extract this poor un- distressed and hydrated animal from the security of a familiar space. The news story on the television actually stated that the dog was in no danger but was removed anyway. How completely ridiculous is that? Who was it that felt the need to have their face and comments noticed? Those questions should be posed to the attending officer. The person who allowed this to be broadcast should have their authority revoked. Was it a slow news day dumb ass?

I am all for rescuing dogs in distress if they are locked in a hot car. There is nothing that will stop me from saving that poor animal’s life and remove it from a detrimental situation. The situation needs to be assessed prior to action being taken. It’s the fucking brainless idiots, including law enforcement officers, who propel themselves blindly towards a vehicle with a dog in the back seat even though there is no issue for concern, or even though the dog is in no distressful situation whatsoever. It’s only a matter of time before someone gets bitten by one of these poor dogs that is not in need of desperate help, and feels the need to protect what is rightfully his territory. Then it’s the dog fault right?

There always seems to be a so called friend with a video camera or smart phone filming this latest episode. This in itself is proof that it is only for personal gain and not to perform any type of unselfish humanitarian act. Yet their so called unselfish act is broadcast immediately. I can almost see them huddled around the smart phone and giggling about how many “likes” they are getting so quickly.

How novel of an idea. You only saw someone else do it on the internet yesterday. How original. Maybe the entire internet won’t notice it really wasn’t your idea to begin with. But who cares. Look at all of the comments you’re (your) getting right? Grow a brain of your own for a change.

An infrared thermometer is a surface temperature tool – period. 

It does not measure air or ambient temperature.

Calm This

Traffic calming measures, or so they call them here, are just fat speed bumps that are becoming more and more popular as the number of vehicles on the road grows. They’re placed anywhere that is affected by heavy a traffic flow in residential areas mostly, yet they seem to have become more of a game to the motorists in which they are intended.

These rather minor inconveniences are set in place to slow the vehicles in those designated areas for the safety of other motorists, pedestrians alike and children playing even.  Go figure. Like the yellow sign with the kid chasing a ball into the street wasn’t enough. Where the hell was that kids parents anyway? And who the hell was he to merit his own sign? You would think that if it was a horrific story it would be one that our parents told us in order to scare us away from chasing balls into the street and have that sign become an omen. “Oh my God, don’t be like (let’s call him Jimmy Stark for no apparent reason) that Jimmy Stark boy. He was horribly crippled and maimed (things were never fatal then) when he was hit by three cars at the same time when he ran out into the street chasing after a ball his dog threw out there for him. The dog was ok though”.

All of these types of stories sounded like the base classic that everyone has heard from their parents.  At least anyone within a reasonable proximity of my age has heard more than just a few times. It goes something like this. 

“When I was your age we walked ten miles to school in the morning and ten miles back home again, up hill both ways, in a snow storm without a hat, mittens, or winter boots. We just added extra cardboard to our sneakers”. 

I don’t think I’m far off for anybody here. Feel free to add anything I may have missed.

I seem to have drifted a wee bit. Sorry. Let’s regroup shall we?

There are plenty of these fat speed bumps in my neighbourhood and for the most part they do their intended job rather well. The comical part of this is the people that drive over them at the normal speed limit or faster, without slowing, seem to be completely surprised with this all too obvious yet unexpected outcome. I can see it in their wide eyed expression as they drive past.

One of these so called traffic calming measures is not far from where we live at a corner intersection. Just down the road and around the corner, literally. Coming up to the stop sign you must either turn left or right, there is no straight through traffic. The cars coming from the left and right have the right of way and no stop sign. While waiting at the stop waiting to turn you can see the bump in the road not 50 feet from you on the left. I hope this gives you the mental image I’m going for here.

Normally cars would slow down for the bump giving you plenty of time to make the right turn into traffic without disruption to the flow. But every once in a while you will come across an individual who doesn’t want you to pull out in front of them, so instead of slowing down, they actually speed up a little to ensure their rightful place in flow and “BAM”, their car is launched over the speed bump with enough force to make you almost feel the impact from within your own vehicle. The look of surprised terror on their face always makes me shake my head and grin, thinking, that poor car. What other unsuspecting abuses have you been put through in the course of you soon to be short existence?

Is it just me or do people fuck with you more in traffic these days? They seem to here.

Entry Level

So in my web surfing one day I happened upon a literary website that has an annual contest for writers to submit very short written entries. By short I mean that the suggested limit is 50 words or less. Wow. Not much you can say in that short of wordage (is wordage a word?). Right up my alley I think. Even when I read the criteria it seems to be for me.

Every year they field thousands of submissions based only on the standard rules that have been applied since 1983 if my research is correct. There are minimal rules.

To quote from the website:

The Bulwer-Lytton fiction contest challenges entrants to compose the opening sentence to the worst possible novels.

Each entry must consist of a single sentence but you may submit as many entries as you wish.

A single sentence? Challenge accepted. Holy crap. Right up my alley right? My only issue is the whole 50 words thing. Pffffft. But I digress. So going over the 50 word rule here is my entry that I feel could not have happened with only 50 words. And yes, I submitted it anyway. I think this works.

*

Looking up from the bottom of the stairs it would appear that Petunia, somehow finding a box big enough for her svelte 425 pounds, had been deflected, no, careened,  back and forth off of every rail and stanchion that was available on the way down, left a plethora of cardboard shrapnel on pretty much every stair possible, while doing her best impression of a jelly filled spandex avalanche, proudly announced megaphone like, with a single gulp of air as she presented herself splayed at the bottom almost breathless and totally exhilarated, “Oh my god, holy crap that was loud, haven’t done that in years, is everybody else ok?”

*

Please comment below on…well…your opinion. Thanks.

I Got Gas

It’s always exciting when you see a drop in the price of gas when you need to fill up. Especially when you’re actually due to fill up. The feeling comes close to winning something like a church raffle, or bingo. Not as extreme as winning a lottery but exciting all the same. Hoards of vehicles flock to the pumps to save what would appear to be mega bucks at the newest lower price per litre. And this euphoric feeling can continue as long as you don’t think about it too much. Or do the math.

Gas prices for no logical reason whatsoever, rise and fall without warning or definable reason, regardless of what the world market seems to dictate. If the price of a barrel of oil goes up today, why does the price of gas at the pumps go up as well that very same day? The gas that is here at the gas station is already the lower price gas right? It’s from a previous price at the very least being here prior to the unexplained ridiculous market elevation isn’t it? So why are we paying more for the same gas that was here yesterday before this unexplained increase?

Most of the time, and after a few days of this wonderful lowness they surprisingly increase the price by ten cents per litre overnight. This usually happens on a Thursday night just before the weekend rush. This is when it becomes a complete shock to the system. Even more so if you waited too long, like Friday morning to fill your tank. It’s a snooze you loose kind of situation that makes you want to smack yourself in the forehead like you should have had a V-8. Those who get it will laugh. Those who don’t get it…ask someone who’s laughing to explain the V-8 thing to you.

The thing that is curious to me is the people that will drive across town to fill up because they heard that there is a gas station with the cheapest gas in town over yonder. I don’t get it. How much cheaper is it than the gas station that is closer to you? It would have to be substantial.

In a world that seems to aspire to nothing further than average yet expects astronomical results, let me explain this within the laws of average. Now don’t get all bent out of shape here and start an argument saying “my car gets better millage than that”, or, “my tank takes more (or less) gas than that…gawd. My averages are not based on any make or model in particular. My numbers are for example purposes only. K?

You drive an average car with average gas mileage give or take right? Your average gas tank holds 50 litres of gas. Your average gas mileage is 15 litres per 100 kilometres. Yes it’s high but I drive a pick up truck. Sue me. You need to fill your tank because it is empty. Not realistic that your tank will be completely empty I know, but for this scenario let’s just say it is. It’s just easier to explain this way. So let’s do a little math shall we?

The gas across town is 2 cents a litre cheaper and is 25 kilometres away. Depending on what you paid for the gas already in your car, this little trip will burn 3.75 litres of gas at an average cost of $4.00.

This is the part that gets interesting kids so listen up. The cheaper gas you are bound and determined to purchase works out like this. For the 50 litres of gas you need at a savings of 2 cents per litre, you are saving a grand total of $1.00 on the entire tank. Woohoo! If you take into account your fuel economy and the mileage involved, your trip across town just cost you $3.00 to give yourself the illusion of purchasing cheaper gas. That’s correct. It cost you that $3.00 just to drive across town to get to the cheap gas. But wait. Now you have to drive back across town to get home. So how much did you really pay? Or save for that matter?

I don’t get it.

New Tools

Buying new tools is a thrilling experience for most men. The excitement builds before I even leave the house. Buying new tools on sale is almost orgasmic. This is the best thing ever. And yes ladies, it happens to us with every tool purchase. One piece of very important advice is to always check out the latest store flyers. I refer you to a previous blog entry regarding finding something on sale after the fact. Not fun.

The thrill of walking through the tool section of my favourite hardware type of store brings an inner feeling that can only be described as a warm glow. Yes really. Walking up and down the various aisles of hand tools, power tools, tool boxes, accessories and the ever popular “clearance” section is an excitement all in itself. I just like to see if there is anything new, different or even an in store special not listed in the flyer. Those are the best finds.

I don’t go directly to the item that I came here for, oh no. I take my time making my way around, while savouring the entire atmosphere of this section of the store. It even smells different over here. I almost always find something else that I didn’t know that I needed until I saw it. It’s mood dependant really. I can’t seem to leave the store with only what I came for. There is a support group for this type of behaviour. Usually a small group of similarly affected individuals gather together on weekends at a well publicized location where they discuss such tools and build, assemble, repair and create stuff with them. There may also be beer involved. Or so I’ve heard.

While driving home with my purchase safely beside me I repeatedly glance at the box and envision the multitude of things I can accomplish with this newly found equipment, when it hits me. That table we acquired the other day needs to be assembled properly. Let’s call that job number one.

Arriving home I take my new cordless necessities from the packaging and begin the narration to my wife about all of its advanced features and how this is going to make ease of all the little jobs, not just around the house but everywhere. She tends to roll her eyes when I drift into tool speak.

Now pumped full of ambition I spy the table, clear the needed space around it, gather the bolts, load the appropriate bits into the driver, assemble the pieces loosely and begin the power tool assembly. This part takes little more than about twenty seconds to complete. Now we stand back and admire the job well done. I do anyway.

The tool rush now slowly drains from me because I now realize that my new tool playtime has ended way too soon. I just stand there pulling the trigger repeatedly while looking around the room.

What else can I fix?

Alarming

The fire alarms in apartment buildings seem to go off more often than anywhere else in the entire world. At least it is where I live. Whether it’s the testing of the system (which happens monthly), glitches in the system, power surges and outages or just plain old drunken idiots pulling the alarm at 3 a.m. because they think it’s funny. This alarm usually happens late in the evening or early morning on a weekday and not the weekend. Which would be more expected as this is when these chuckleheads imbibe mass quantities and tend to inconvenience people.

Just in case any of these drunken idiots are capable of reading anything beyond text message spelling, it’s really not funny, k? U r not being smrt. All been dun b4.

The even more interesting thing about this is how the people that live in the building react when it happens so often. By often I mean at least every couple of weeks as well as the monthly test of the system. You can quickly see who is new to the building by how they promptly and orderly they evacuate the premises during one of these events.

Tenants gather around outside and inspect the area for evidence from the safe distance of the curb. This imaginary safe distance is just at the end of the entrance walkway on the sidewalk in front of the building. This apparent flame free zone is a full twenty feet away from the building. Ain’t no way the sparks will fly that far right? We’re good here, we can see perfect.

The speculation begins when someone is overheard saying that they had smelled smoke in the hallway on their way out of the building. Certainly couldn’t have been the cigarette in your hand as you parade though a no smoking area. What the hell does it matter now right? The building might be on fire so what’s one cigarette now anyway. Who cares, gawd.

Another tenant can be heard on their cell phone to friends, apparently still inside their apartment, attempting to convince them that there really is a fire this time. “I swear it’s, like, real this time. Like, really. We’re all, like, out here waiting for you guys”.

Excitement builds as the fire trucks arrive with howling sirens and lights flaring. Now we get to see some action. It must be real this time, the trucks showed up and everything. Seeing them enter the building with no apparent urgency brings you back to reality and a slight disappointment wafts over the crowd. This disappointment is short lived and becomes frustration when everyone realizes that we are all wide awake in the middle of the night for no good reason. We didn’t even get to see a fire either. What a jip.

The firemen gather at the alarm panel in the lobby and seem to discuss strategy. At this point you would think that they would at least turn the alarm off if for nothing else but to hear each other or anything broadcasted over their radios.

Right when you start to wonder why they’re not doing anything, a couple of them are off to do a quick walk through the building. They must have drawn the short straws while in the huddle. Within a few minutes they all gather around the alarm panel again and finally reset the system. The buzzing of the alarm comes to a halt leaving a ringing in your ears.

The all clear is now given and we all head back into the building listening to the various comments of the ever vocal. “I really did smell smoke you know”.

Of course you did. Don’t forget to put out your cigarette.

More Flies with Honey

Looking through some old emails from some months ago I came across one that had been completely forgotten about. I read through it thoroughly and had to chuckle as it reminded me of the situation as to why it was written in the first place.

          It was about a year ago, and not too long after finishing my last rounds of treatment at the Cancer center when my taste buds first began showing minimal signs of functioning again so I decided to attempt a morning cup of coffee. The first one in a considerable amount of time I might add, and rather anticipated. This is when our coffee machine took a turn for the worse and I took it upon myself to craft a well worded letter to the manufacturer asking for their assistance. Without the usual finger wagging.

          Fielding customer complaints for a living must be one of the most thankless jobs on the planet. Having a constant barrage of blame and rage expelled upon you both hourly and day after day must take a toll on a person’s perception of the general public. I can only assume that it takes a rather strong person to not allow that amount of negativity into their own personal space.

          With that in mind I generated my letter with a touch of levity as to, at the very least, not be one of those irate dissatisfied customers, but also give them a break from it all and possibly make them smile a little.

          Here is the email as I sent it. Ok so I changed the name of the town for this blog entry. Sue me.

Keurig B70 Brewing System with a bad attitude

Dear Sir or Madam,

A little more than a year ago I purchased a Keurig® B70 Platinum Brewing System from Costco here in Happyville, Canada. The price seems to have dropped considerably from what I had paid at the time which was around $159.00 if I remember correctly. But that in itself is not the main issue of my concern but troubling all the same.

We had enjoyed using your coffee machine for the many conveniences and reasons we had purchased it in the first place. Unfortunately that was short lived.

Not long after, I was diagnosed with cancer in my neck and throat. I will not go into great detail regarding this but needless to say that the machine went unused for some time due to my inability to swallow properly as well as other throat sensitivities. 

About a month ago we decided to turn on the coffee machine and brew what was to be my first cup of morning goodness in about 7 months.

Well, the machine performed perfectly as expected for the first week and then began a rapid nose dive into an unstoppable spiral of demise. I must state that we would brew anywhere from 2 to 6 cups of coffee per day.

Over the course of that week it would brew slower each time to the point of taking longer than 3 minutes to complete a cycle. By the end of the week the "Descale" display was suddenly present. Following the "Keurig Brewer De-scaling Instructions" directions from your website, the machine was, or so we thought, systematically descaled to the satisfaction of all concerned. This proved to be untrue.

The machine in question began to perform worse than previous. It would only brew half of a cup and take a considerable amount of time doing so. I should also mention that the brewing cycle was considerably louder than before as if the machine was begrudgingly doing the task at hand. We then repeated the descale process as suggested in the instructions to no avail. 

Presently our machine is no longer cooperating and refuses to dispense anything resembling a drinkable cup of coffee.

Returning it to Costco appears to be out of the question as we no longer have the original packaging and the receipt seems to have been misplaced. Probably was in the box we no longer have.

Is there anything you may be able to help with in this situation?

Thank you in advance,

          By the afternoon on that very same day I received a phone call from a customer serviced agent with regards to this email. She actually said she “was calling to discuss the coffee machine with a bad attitude”.

I was informed that she and a few of her coworkers got a bit of a chuckle from my submission and had to respond to it right away. I thanked her and also expressed my delight and surprise for replying so swiftly. It’s rather unusual to get such a quick response over a negative situation.

          This now led to images of my email being forwarded around as giggles are heard intermittently from various cubicles within the office space. Insert your own visual here.

          After a short comment and introduction session she handled my issue with the courtesy, respect and professionalism that anyone would welcome. Within a matter of minutes she not only had addressed the issue but also in a knowledgeable fashion explained possible causes and future solutions to these and similar issues. She then went beyond that and offered a replacement machine in exchange for the faulty one, postage prepaid no less.

To make a long story short, the replacement arrived in less than a week to our delight and surprise.

          I have to say that I was truly taken aback from the friendly and prompt service that I experienced through this. It makes me wonder if this transaction would have been handled any differently if I had written an irate complaint letter instead. I like to think it would have. You do catch more flies with honey.

Regardless, my hat is tipped to the Keurig customer service team for exemplary service. A job very well done people. Thank you.