Alarming

The fire alarms in apartment buildings seem to go off more often than anywhere else in the entire world. At least it is where I live. Whether it’s the testing of the system (which happens monthly), glitches in the system, power surges and outages or just plain old drunken idiots pulling the alarm at 3 a.m. because they think it’s funny. This alarm usually happens late in the evening or early morning on a weekday and not the weekend. Which would be more expected as this is when these chuckleheads imbibe mass quantities and tend to inconvenience people.

Just in case any of these drunken idiots are capable of reading anything beyond text message spelling, it’s really not funny, k? U r not being smrt. All been dun b4.

The even more interesting thing about this is how the people that live in the building react when it happens so often. By often I mean at least every couple of weeks as well as the monthly test of the system. You can quickly see who is new to the building by how they promptly and orderly they evacuate the premises during one of these events.

Tenants gather around outside and inspect the area for evidence from the safe distance of the curb. This imaginary safe distance is just at the end of the entrance walkway on the sidewalk in front of the building. This apparent flame free zone is a full twenty feet away from the building. Ain’t no way the sparks will fly that far right? We’re good here, we can see perfect.

The speculation begins when someone is overheard saying that they had smelled smoke in the hallway on their way out of the building. Certainly couldn’t have been the cigarette in your hand as you parade though a no smoking area. What the hell does it matter now right? The building might be on fire so what’s one cigarette now anyway. Who cares, gawd.

Another tenant can be heard on their cell phone to friends, apparently still inside their apartment, attempting to convince them that there really is a fire this time. “I swear it’s, like, real this time. Like, really. We’re all, like, out here waiting for you guys”.

Excitement builds as the fire trucks arrive with howling sirens and lights flaring. Now we get to see some action. It must be real this time, the trucks showed up and everything. Seeing them enter the building with no apparent urgency brings you back to reality and a slight disappointment wafts over the crowd. This disappointment is short lived and becomes frustration when everyone realizes that we are all wide awake in the middle of the night for no good reason. We didn’t even get to see a fire either. What a jip.

The firemen gather at the alarm panel in the lobby and seem to discuss strategy. At this point you would think that they would at least turn the alarm off if for nothing else but to hear each other or anything broadcasted over their radios.

Right when you start to wonder why they’re not doing anything, a couple of them are off to do a quick walk through the building. They must have drawn the short straws while in the huddle. Within a few minutes they all gather around the alarm panel again and finally reset the system. The buzzing of the alarm comes to a halt leaving a ringing in your ears.

The all clear is now given and we all head back into the building listening to the various comments of the ever vocal. “I really did smell smoke you know”.

Of course you did. Don’t forget to put out your cigarette.