Just How Much

 

I have mentioned before that I’m surprised that I have lived this long. Considering what I have subjected myself to over the years in the name of adventure, or just because I thought it would be fun. I never worried about the cool part because I never expected to stick around in one particular place long enough for it to matter. Because it didn’t matter, it was just fun. I was just trying stuff and having the best time I could have doing it. No matter what that was. It took me to a ton of places that I never would have been to otherwise and created way too many memories and friendships for me to include in just one small blog post.

So, with that being said, just what does the universe have in store for me or us? This is how it works right? The universe has some sort of cosmic control over our destiny? As if we have no say in the matter? Then there should be some show of direction at least, don’t you think? How about a hint? I call bullshit on this one. I get the fact that I’m on my own, and have been aware of this for a very long time. Pretty much all of my life actually. My decisions are my own and always have/will be. For better or worse, I am resigned to the fact that I am the product of my decisions. Society is never to be blamed, regardless of how I may feel about it.

With all of that being said, I really don’t want to do this anymore.

So just how much shit can the universe drop onto one person as if it were some continuous and sadistic prank? I get the fact that I brought some of this on myself and take ownership of all of that. I’m an asshole, not an oblivious asshole. I get it. I really do.

Working hard in an effort to get ahead of the never ending depletion of my bank account just doesn’t seem to be working anymore, like a lot of people these days. Just as things begin to lean towards a little progress “BAM” the car breaks down and needs repair. Or you get laid off due to a work shortage, and so on. I’ve been told that it all happens in sets of three. I also call bullshit on this because I’m going on about number eleven.

It gets a little overwhelming at times and it’s a wonder why I’m not a raging alcoholic by now.

Yet I endeavor. I am in no way giving up. How can I after what I’ve survived so far for quite some time now. I’ve thought a little bit about trying to view it as a game. Can I win this time? Of course I can, look at my track record, it’s pretty impressive. But in the back of my mind a little voice is telling me that it could be inviting more shit to come down the pipe and pile on. The universe would think I’m having some sort of fun with it and decide that it was easy on me somehow then up the ante. Nobody needs that.

So I continue to tread these waters, keeping my head up, and moving forward albeit slowly. I still tell my inner voice, rather quietly, to bring it on. I’ve so got this, fucker. It’s not my time yet.

But feel free to knock it off any time now.

Thanks for letting me have a little rant. It feels good to let it out sometimes.