Calm This

Traffic calming measures, or so they call them here, are just fat speed bumps that are becoming more and more popular as the number of vehicles on the road grows. They’re placed anywhere that is affected by heavy a traffic flow in residential areas mostly, yet they seem to have become more of a game to the motorists in which they are intended.

These rather minor inconveniences are set in place to slow the vehicles in those designated areas for the safety of other motorists, pedestrians alike and children playing even.  Go figure. Like the yellow sign with the kid chasing a ball into the street wasn’t enough. Where the hell was that kids parents anyway? And who the hell was he to merit his own sign? You would think that if it was a horrific story it would be one that our parents told us in order to scare us away from chasing balls into the street and have that sign become an omen. “Oh my God, don’t be like (let’s call him Jimmy Stark for no apparent reason) that Jimmy Stark boy. He was horribly crippled and maimed (things were never fatal then) when he was hit by three cars at the same time when he ran out into the street chasing after a ball his dog threw out there for him. The dog was ok though”.

All of these types of stories sounded like the base classic that everyone has heard from their parents.  At least anyone within a reasonable proximity of my age has heard more than just a few times. It goes something like this. 

“When I was your age we walked ten miles to school in the morning and ten miles back home again, up hill both ways, in a snow storm without a hat, mittens, or winter boots. We just added extra cardboard to our sneakers”. 

I don’t think I’m far off for anybody here. Feel free to add anything I may have missed.

I seem to have drifted a wee bit. Sorry. Let’s regroup shall we?

There are plenty of these fat speed bumps in my neighbourhood and for the most part they do their intended job rather well. The comical part of this is the people that drive over them at the normal speed limit or faster, without slowing, seem to be completely surprised with this all too obvious yet unexpected outcome. I can see it in their wide eyed expression as they drive past.

One of these so called traffic calming measures is not far from where we live at a corner intersection. Just down the road and around the corner, literally. Coming up to the stop sign you must either turn left or right, there is no straight through traffic. The cars coming from the left and right have the right of way and no stop sign. While waiting at the stop waiting to turn you can see the bump in the road not 50 feet from you on the left. I hope this gives you the mental image I’m going for here.

Normally cars would slow down for the bump giving you plenty of time to make the right turn into traffic without disruption to the flow. But every once in a while you will come across an individual who doesn’t want you to pull out in front of them, so instead of slowing down, they actually speed up a little to ensure their rightful place in flow and “BAM”, their car is launched over the speed bump with enough force to make you almost feel the impact from within your own vehicle. The look of surprised terror on their face always makes me shake my head and grin, thinking, that poor car. What other unsuspecting abuses have you been put through in the course of you soon to be short existence?

Is it just me or do people fuck with you more in traffic these days? They seem to here.

Entry Level

So in my web surfing one day I happened upon a literary website that has an annual contest for writers to submit very short written entries. By short I mean that the suggested limit is 50 words or less. Wow. Not much you can say in that short of wordage (is wordage a word?). Right up my alley I think. Even when I read the criteria it seems to be for me.

Every year they field thousands of submissions based only on the standard rules that have been applied since 1983 if my research is correct. There are minimal rules.

To quote from the website:

The Bulwer-Lytton fiction contest challenges entrants to compose the opening sentence to the worst possible novels.

Each entry must consist of a single sentence but you may submit as many entries as you wish.

A single sentence? Challenge accepted. Holy crap. Right up my alley right? My only issue is the whole 50 words thing. Pffffft. But I digress. So going over the 50 word rule here is my entry that I feel could not have happened with only 50 words. And yes, I submitted it anyway. I think this works.

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Looking up from the bottom of the stairs it would appear that Petunia, somehow finding a box big enough for her svelte 425 pounds, had been deflected, no, careened,  back and forth off of every rail and stanchion that was available on the way down, left a plethora of cardboard shrapnel on pretty much every stair possible, while doing her best impression of a jelly filled spandex avalanche, proudly announced megaphone like, with a single gulp of air as she presented herself splayed at the bottom almost breathless and totally exhilarated, “Oh my god, holy crap that was loud, haven’t done that in years, is everybody else ok?”

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Please comment below on…well…your opinion. Thanks.

I Got Gas

It’s always exciting when you see a drop in the price of gas when you need to fill up. Especially when you’re actually due to fill up. The feeling comes close to winning something like a church raffle, or bingo. Not as extreme as winning a lottery but exciting all the same. Hoards of vehicles flock to the pumps to save what would appear to be mega bucks at the newest lower price per litre. And this euphoric feeling can continue as long as you don’t think about it too much. Or do the math.

Gas prices for no logical reason whatsoever, rise and fall without warning or definable reason, regardless of what the world market seems to dictate. If the price of a barrel of oil goes up today, why does the price of gas at the pumps go up as well that very same day? The gas that is here at the gas station is already the lower price gas right? It’s from a previous price at the very least being here prior to the unexplained ridiculous market elevation isn’t it? So why are we paying more for the same gas that was here yesterday before this unexplained increase?

Most of the time, and after a few days of this wonderful lowness they surprisingly increase the price by ten cents per litre overnight. This usually happens on a Thursday night just before the weekend rush. This is when it becomes a complete shock to the system. Even more so if you waited too long, like Friday morning to fill your tank. It’s a snooze you loose kind of situation that makes you want to smack yourself in the forehead like you should have had a V-8. Those who get it will laugh. Those who don’t get it…ask someone who’s laughing to explain the V-8 thing to you.

The thing that is curious to me is the people that will drive across town to fill up because they heard that there is a gas station with the cheapest gas in town over yonder. I don’t get it. How much cheaper is it than the gas station that is closer to you? It would have to be substantial.

In a world that seems to aspire to nothing further than average yet expects astronomical results, let me explain this within the laws of average. Now don’t get all bent out of shape here and start an argument saying “my car gets better millage than that”, or, “my tank takes more (or less) gas than that…gawd. My averages are not based on any make or model in particular. My numbers are for example purposes only. K?

You drive an average car with average gas mileage give or take right? Your average gas tank holds 50 litres of gas. Your average gas mileage is 15 litres per 100 kilometres. Yes it’s high but I drive a pick up truck. Sue me. You need to fill your tank because it is empty. Not realistic that your tank will be completely empty I know, but for this scenario let’s just say it is. It’s just easier to explain this way. So let’s do a little math shall we?

The gas across town is 2 cents a litre cheaper and is 25 kilometres away. Depending on what you paid for the gas already in your car, this little trip will burn 3.75 litres of gas at an average cost of $4.00.

This is the part that gets interesting kids so listen up. The cheaper gas you are bound and determined to purchase works out like this. For the 50 litres of gas you need at a savings of 2 cents per litre, you are saving a grand total of $1.00 on the entire tank. Woohoo! If you take into account your fuel economy and the mileage involved, your trip across town just cost you $3.00 to give yourself the illusion of purchasing cheaper gas. That’s correct. It cost you that $3.00 just to drive across town to get to the cheap gas. But wait. Now you have to drive back across town to get home. So how much did you really pay? Or save for that matter?

I don’t get it.